I have been thinking a lot about Donald Trump and the lives and other things that may or may not matter to him. After much deliberation, I think I have divined a certain set of criteria with which we may determine which lives and things do and do not matter.
- First of all, according to Donald Trump, all lives matter.
- Furthermore, blue lives matter. Perhaps even more than all lives.
- The lives of fake dead people matter.
- If you’re African-American, you say “Black Lives Matter” at your own risk, alas, especially when there are people around who think quite the contrary (and probably voted for Donald Trump, and probably are entirely willing to make their opinions known with violence).
- To be fair, Donald Trump believes that Black Lives Matter . . . just as long as he gets to hijack a ceremony to talk about Black History Month–and the lives that helped make up that history–in order to talk about himself. Because, as we know, February may be Black History Month, but every month is Orange History Month.
- Donald Trump is not sure whether Frederick Douglass’s life mattered, because Donald Trump is not sure whether Frederick Douglass is alive. If Donald Trump does believe that Frederick Douglass is alive–and I’m giving even odds on this wager, humans. Place your bets–then Donald Trump probably thinks that Frederick Douglass is the proud owner of a Swingline stapler.
- Frederick Douglass’s life mattered. And it still matters. Using snark to make that point is probably not just a good idea, but a necessity, in this day and age.
- Frederick Douglass’s life mattered. And it still matters. His words mattered–and continue to matter–as well. But try telling that to this White House.
- Kleptocratic Kremlinesque lives most definitely matter, especially given the likelihood that said lives have compromising information on Donald Trump.
- The lives of American judges matter. But if their rulings go against the Trump administration, then the rulings certainly don’t matter.
- Mexican lives matter only to the extent that living Mexicans can be forced by the Trump administration to listen to stupid, pointless lectures about how Mexico is somehow going to be forced to pay for a wall.
- Or maybe, Mexican lives don’t matter. Neither, apparently, does working to make a “joke” funny. Or classy.
- American credibility does not matter.
- Congressional oversight does not matter, so long as Donald Trump might be the target of that oversight.
- Israeli lives matter. However, now that the election is over, promises made to Israeli settlers no longer matter. Note that if the previous president broke promises to Israeli settlers in similar fashion, Donald Trump and his fellow
mouthbreatherstravelers would have attacked said previous president as a secret atheist Kenyan Muslim socialist who is also a secret socialist atheist Muslim Kenyan. Then they would have screeched incoherently about the removal of the bust of Winston Churchill and the refusal of said previous president to go to the roof of the White House and scream “RADICAL ISLAM!!!111!!” at the top of his lungs, as though “RADICAL ISLAM!!!111!!” is some kind of magical incantation that will make “RADICAL ISLAM!!!111!!” go away.
- The lives of Jews who lost those lives as a consequence of the Holocaust most certainly do not matter. Or maybe they do, but Jews just shouldn’t be so damned uppity about pointing it out, with . . . you know . . . unimpeachable historical references.
- The lives of those who are pleased about the “de-Judaification” of the Holocaust definitely do matter. These people vote for Donald Trump, you know.
- Speaking of which, the lives of those targeted by white supremacist terrorism–terrorism that has killed far more Americans than any refugees from the Middle East (who have done nothing whatsoever to any Americans at all)–do not matter.
- History does not matter.
- The lives of foreign racists who may upend a world order created by America–one that works for the benefit of America and her allies–matter. And so do their electoral prospects. So sayeth kleptocratic Kremlinesque folks, whose lives matter (see above), and who have vays to make sure zat Donald Trump agrees viz zem.
- Nikki Haley stated at the United Nations that Ukrainian lives matter. Too bad there isn’t much of a chorus at the White House supporting that proposition.
- The lives of crazy conspiracy theorists matter. I mean, look at who is president. Birds of a feather, and all that.
- Insults to your intelligence do not matter, regardless of what kind of life you have.
- Satire is dead, and Donald Trump killed it, so, I guess that satire’s life did not matter. One can only hope that Trump gets impeached and convicted, or that his cabinet invokes section 4 of the 25th Amendment to the United States Constitution, at which point, perhaps, satire can pull a Frederick Douglass and have a life that matters again.
- The lives of American military personnel–and innocent civilians–matter. But the Trump administration acts like it believes otherwise.
- The sanity of military personnel does not matter.
- Admiral Joshua Painter’s life mattered. But he lived it in vain, as we did not consider that his warnings and dire predictions could apply to disasters that have nothing whatsoever to do with a defecting Soviet ballistic missile submarine captained by a Scotsman who pretended to be Lithuanian.
- The sanity of those who care about America’s conduct of foreign affairs does not matter.
- I’ll believe that the life of this nation matters when the White House is staffed with actual grown-ups. Although, to be fair, it is probably a Kafkaesque hostage situation in there, and these people are begging for help. Who can blame them?
- Actual expert opinions–from people whom Trump has said he respects, mind you–do not matter.
- Australian lives matter. But appreciating Australia, Australian lives, Australia’s friendship and the general stability of our Asia-Pacific alliances matters a whole lot less. Relatedly, telephone courtesy–indeed, general, basic human decency and the virtues of proving to others that one was not raised in the wild by wolves–does not matter.
- The lives of those who regularly and mendaciously overestimate things like inauguration crowd size, presidential hand size and presidential brainpower matter, and they are going to get the best Secret Service protection available from the Trump administration.
- Basic foresight and even minimal intelligence do not matter.
- Middle Eastern lives do not matter.
- I’m sorry, did you not hear me? I said that Middle Eastern lives do not matter.
- The lives of Muslims in Canada do not matter.
- African lives do not matter.
- How many times do I have to write it? Middle Eastern lives do not matter.
- What part of “Middle Eastern lives do not matter” is difficult to understand.
I do hope and trust that this has cleared things up. We now return you to inane discussions about “Apprentice” ratings. Please be aware that said inane discussions may be interrupted by further insane fixations on hand and inauguration crowd size.