Weddings and Celebrations: Girl from the Obamacare Website and Baghdad Bob

Girl from the Obamacare Website and Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, who goes by the name Baghdad Bob, will tie the knot at a date to be determined in the future, but definitely well after November 30 , 2013.

The bride was, until recently, the public face of HealthCare.gov, the Obamacare exchange website. Her age is unknown, but her birthday is on the 12th of Never, which coincidentally, is when HealthCare.gov is supposed to function properly. Her father Richard manufactured Ford Edsels, and her late mother Delores piloted the Hindenburg.

The groom is 73 years old , but insists that he is 26. He was, for many years, the foreign minister of Iraq, and then the minister of information for the late president Saddam Hussein, whom Mr. Bob claims is still in power. Mr. Bob’s late father Billy was the founder and president of the Dewey Actually Did Defeat Truman Society (DADDT), which is dedicated to showing that contrary to most historical accounts, Thomas Dewey was the winner of the 1948 presidential election. His mother Margaret is still alive, and runs an online magazine claiming that between 1908 and the present year, the Chicago Cubs have won the World Series forty-seven separate times.

For much of his life, Mr. Bob was dedicated to his work as the public face of the Hussein regime and that just didn’t give him time for romance. Indeed, some close associates say that Mr. Bob always deflected questions about his love life by claiming that he was juggling seven or eight girlfriends at one time, and had no time for anyone else. “I tried to convince Bob that he should get out on the dating scene a bit more,” recalls onetime colleague Tariq Aziz, “but he was always telling me that he had all of these girls all over Iraq, and that everything was fine, and that besides, he had his work for our great leader, Saddam Hussein to keep him occupied.”

“But by 2009 or so, those lines just became less convincing,” Mr. Aziz says. “You could just see the loneliness in his eyes. Also, our glorious leader, Saddam Hussein, stopped consulting with Bob about work as often as he used to, and it was clear that Bob needed something else to occupy his mind.”

For the past four years, Mr. Bob tried dating, and claimed various spectacular successes, saying that he had “hooked up” with Bar Refaeli, and Lara Pulver, but friends were skeptical. They decided that the best thing to do was to set Mr. Bob up with the kind of girl who can play to his unique perspectives on reality, but such a lady was difficult to find.

Then, in October of this year, Mr. Aziz discovered Ms. Website.

“I was searching around on the Internet dating sites to see if I could find someone for Bob,” says Mr. Aziz, “and through pure serendipity, I found the HealthCare.gov website. I tried to find healthcare coverage for my impending execution, and while I was waiting, I was greeted by Girl from the Obamacare Website’s face. Her constant smiling convinced me that somehow, someway, despite all indications to the contrary, the healthcare exchange website had to work, and that someone needed to get the word out that the website could be fixed.”

That someone, Mr. Aziz decided, was Mr. Bob.

“I knew that Bob would approach the job of selling the virtues of the website with gusto, and I figured that maybe, just maybe, he would hit it off with Girl from the Obamacare Website,” Mr. Aziz says. “When you pair up a lady whose smile is impervious to awful realities with a guy whose every statement is impervious to reality, how can you lose?”

Ms. Website, sitting nearby, just smiled.

Those who know Ms. Website testify to her ability to make them believe six impossible things before breakfast. “With that smile of hers, Girl is awesome at convincing you that everything is okay before you realize that it isn’t and you just want to claw out your eyeballs, or something,” says Marjorie Blakewell, a longtime friend of Ms. Website. “Every day for the past month or so, I’ve gotten on HealthCare.gov, saw her smile, thought to myself ‘this is the day when I am going to get health insurance,’ and then, six hours later, wanted to guzzle rat poison while my computer screen told me to please keep being patient, and that the system was processing my application.”

“I mean, Zeus, Hera and Poseidon, it’s just a website and it’s two-thousand-[EXPLETIVE DELETED]-thirteen,” Ms. Blakewell suddenly screamed, without any warning whatsoever. “Why can’t it [EXPLETIVE DELETED] work?”

Ms. Website, sitting nearby, just smiled.

The couple hit it off immediately. Ms. Website was enthralled by Mr. Bob’s stories about tending to the lost city of Atlantis, which happened to be a suburb of the Iraqi city of Najaf, and Mr. Bob was enchanted by Ms. Website’s smile, which keeps him hoping that he will get the health care coverage he needs to tend to injuries sustained while free climbing K2. Friends of the couple noticed a new spring in Mr. Bob’s step and a new sense of ardor and vibrancy to his promises that in 2014–2016 at the latest–his employer, Mr. Hussein would at long last be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize he so richly deserves and that HealthCare.gov will actually work soon.

Friends of Ms. Website noticed no changes whatsoever concerning her, but are reassured by the fact that she just keeps smiling, and assume that this means she is hopelessly in love with Mr. Bob.

Speaking about his fiancée, Mr. Bob certainly sounds like a man who is smitten. “I could have had any girl, really,” he says. “But while the 47 girls I have dated in between the second Iraq War–which we decisively won!–and earlier this year are truly ethereal and special beings who are sexy beyond compare and believe that I am God’s gift to ladies, I think that Girl is the one for me. She is kind, she is loving, and I know that she will help me get the insurance coverage that I need in order to get a doctor to look at this growth on my forehead, which is actually getting bigger and bigger by the day.”

Ms. Website, sitting nearby, just smiled.

6 Replies to “Weddings and Celebrations: Girl from the Obamacare Website and Baghdad Bob”

  1. Too bad, she’s already married. And she’s a Colombian national with a green card, eligible for ObamaCare.

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