WASHINGTON (PejmanYousefzadeh.net)–In a rare example of international cooperation, world leaders announced that they had constructed a space-based defense system for the Earth that is designed to prevent an alien attack and conquest of the planet. The system is meant to frustrate assaults from other worlds by forcing aliens to register for Obamacare in order to bypass planetary defense mechanisms.
The defense structure, an elaborate array of weaponized satellites and force fields that were built in secret, can only be deactivated if aliens are successful in signing up for coverage under one of the state health insurance exchanges. While defense chiefs and military leaders from various countries note that the weapons they placed in geosynchronous orbit can engage alien spacecraft if necessary, they believe that ultimately, it will not come down to a shooting war. “Signing up for Obamacare is so incredibly time-consuming, frustrating and futile that we believe extraterrestrial armadas will simply throw up their hands in frustration and give up,” remarked Sergei Shoigu, the Russian defense minister. “We do not believe that we will actually have to fire on their spacecraft in order to repel any invasion.”
G-20 leaders gathered at the South Lawn of the White House to sign the international treaty, and were in a jovial mood, as they celebrated the construction and deployment of a defense mechanism that German chancellor Angela Merkel called “totally and entirely impermeable.” Speaking for the group, President Barack Obama praised the harmonious working relationship between G-20 heads of state and government and leaders of other countries–including Iran, North Korea, Venezuela and Syria–that helped make the defense system a reality. “Not having been able to overcome and resolve the many glitches in the Affordable Care Act, we finally decided to make those glitches work in our favor,” the president said. “We are all very pleased that Obamacare’s ability to drive aspiring registrants to the edge of stark raving madness and despair will help ensure the survival of our planet and our species, and protect the Earth against destruction and subjugation at the hands of intelligent life forms from other worlds.”
The international treaty needs to be ratified by the Senate, where swift approval is all but certain. Senator Ted Cruz (R–TX) has pledged to “do everything I can to get this treaty ratified,” saying further that he is glad that he and the White House have finally reached “a common understanding regarding Obamacare’s value and workability.”
There are reports that the defense systems have already proven their worth by stopping a very large alien assault force from reaching Earth. Scientists noted an unusually significant amount of communications traffic that reached the headquarters of BeWell, the health insurance exchange for the state of New Mexico. Albuquerque native Jesse Pinkman, who claimed to have been abducted by the alien force, said that the aliens wanted to force him to witness firsthand the annexation and annihilation of the planet. But after his alleged abduction, Pinkman says that the assault ran into problems that would ultimately cause the aliens to abort their planned attack.
“This one alien dude was on some kind of phone and he was, like, yelling into the thing, all about how he’d, like, spent five hours on the website, and six hours on the phone, and now they were telling him to go back to the website, and how it was all bull****. And he was pissed,” Pinkman said. “Finally, all of the aliens, like, got together and talked among themselves, and then they came to me and said ‘we’re letting you go.’ And then I found myself beamed back to my house, and the aliens all left.”
Pinkman went on to say that he was “all like ‘yeah, b****'” once the aliens departed and he found himself back in Albuquerque.
Aides to Secretary of Defense Kathleen Sebelius refused to comment on Pinkman’s allegations.